May 1st, 2008
How to Prevent an Affair from Happening-
What do you think the most common cause is for infidelity? It's loneliness. Most people get married or enter into serious relationships believing that they will be faithful to one another but long term relationships take work and commitment. When relationships first begin there is so much excitement and intensity. The focus is on each other and their relationship. Over time many distractions enter onto the scene such as careers, money, children and everyday stress. Partners begin to drift apart very slowly and sometimes subtly. Many people don't know how to repair this drift or void so they turn to others outside of their relationship to fill the void and to seek what they may be missing at home from their partners. One of the best ways to avoid an affair is to be mindful and work at always maintaining emotional intimacy with your partner. This can be achieved through really listening to each other, good communication, openness, trust and a strong commitment to keeping that connection. There is no one way to maintain emotional intimacy but a variety of ways and tools that will work best at different times.
One reality is that all couples fight. If someone was to say they NEVER fought that would be an issue in itself. The key is to fight in a productive way. Emotional intimacy helps to keep the focus on understanding their partner and respecting their views not on winning the fight or being right. Do you want to be right or in a fulfilling, intimate, passionate relationship that just gets better and sweeter each day?
Another great way to have a deeper relationship is to be aware and willing to meet and provide for your partners needs. It is not effective or helpful to think that your partner has the same needs and wishes you have. Just like everyone has their own style of learning best, everyone has their own style of feeling loved the deepest. It can be a great help to discuss in an open honest way what you each want and how to deliver these needs in way that is best received. Some people show their love best by doing things for someone but maybe their partner just wants someone to say "I love you" and to hold them tight. People are not mind readers and if we don't share what we want and need how can we fault someone for not delivering these needs. Everyone wants to feel love and affection.
If a person does not feel the love and affection they want or need and in the way the need, then this is one reason so many people stray from relationships. Relationships are work however so is everyday life. Wouldn't it make sense to put daily small amounts of work into meeting your partner's needs and to nurture the growth of a deep and utterly satisfying relationship then will last forever then to perhaps be unfaithful and only have a moment of pleasure?
I hope you enjoyed this quarter's blog and hope you will visit back again!!
August 23rd 2008
The Use of Humor
When talking to your partner do you sometimes find yourself wanting to slam your head into the wall? Do you feel like your partner is not really listening or that they are just don’t understand what you are trying to say? When two upset, hurt and frustrated people are trying to resolve an issue it is impossible to resolve or fix an issue if either one of you feels misunderstood, unappreciated or ignored. For problems to be resolved it is essential for you to both relate to each other first and resolve second. When emotions are raw and discussions are heated douse the fire and re-focus before the whole discussion goes up in flames. One trick I often recommend for couples is to put more humor back into their relationship especially when they are trying to resolve a heated issue. One tactic I often encourage is the use of Groucho Marx Glasses (the glasses with the furry eye brows, big nose and furry mustache). When in a discussion and it is getting heated I suggest they try to finish the discussion wearing these glasses. How can you remain furious and allow anger to intensify when you both look so goofy. It usually is effective at dousing the heated flames and allowing partners to refocus. I also like to recommend an exercise in humor for the couple to attend to once during the week. If the couple feels united in a task that makes neither emotionally vulnerable to the other they usually are successful in reconnecting and having a positive experience together. Some couples have dressed as mismatched as possible and gone for lunch to watch others reactions, some have walked the mall with toilet paper hanging from their pants and one couple went so far as to check out of their hotel with a pair of underwear caught in the zipper of their suitcase just to see the reaction of the doorman and other guests in the lobby as they unassumingly walked through the lobby on their way out. Awareness is one of the most important tools in stopping emotions from escalating to a point in which productive communication ends and bringing the ability and desire to relate and resolve back onto the agenda.
I hope you enjoyed this blog and remember, Humor is a wonderful gift!! Don’t let emotions heat up and melt down productivity!! See you next blog!!
December 4th 2008
Happiness at the Holidays
Happy Holidays and Welcome to one of the most magical yet stressful times of the year! As adults we are easily pulled in to the holiday season. We may have memories either good or bad that effect us in ways that either cause us to go to the extreme or minimize holiday festivities. For those who have unhappy memories of childhood holidays they may want to overcompensate for their children so badly that they overspend, create unnecessary chaos, and attempt to create the "perfect holiday". The pursuit of perfect happiness and bliss puts a lot of unwanted and unproductive stress on all involved (children, adults, partners, relatives etc...) This may appear in many capacities and let's face it... not all children can keep up with the excitement, energy and pursuit of the perfect holiday. What we are left with is temper tantrums, melt-downs, crying, exhaustion and a lot of fighting!! For others there are pressures for happiness either put upon yourself by you or others. Some breathlessly await the holidays with the hopes of an engagement ring or the perfect gift that would say “I love you”, others hope this magical time of year will affect their partner and that they will magically transform into a loving and nurturing partner. Regardless of the intentions or sincerity of some, hurt and devastation will run rampant through others due to the focus of this season directed specifically on their expectations.
Why not keep things simple this year and create your own family traditions? Perhaps it can start with a family day full of decorating and then a warm supper and a holiday movie at home with the whole family in their pajamas to kick off the season. Maybe it is a family project such as creating a holiday wreath, decorating cookies for those who are important in our life, picking out gifts for those less fortunate or a trip to a nursing home and having little ones deliver holiday colored balloons to those who are alone at the holidays to brighten their day? For most the key to happiness is a return to basics. Yes, this is a magical time of year for some but don’t lose focus on the power of one day. Mentally building up this perfect day will just be a recipe for disaster. Instead of focusing on what this day can do for your relationship try looking at what you can do for your relationships for the entire season and upcoming year. Maybe it is listening with more compassion, maybe it is going out of your way to remind someone of how much you care every day and not just one, and maybe it is giving a gift of the heart and not of the wallet.
The trick is to keep it simple yet focused on what is truly a priority in your life. Why not let each loved one pick out a special way to celebrate the season and then supplement it with lots of down time and acceptance of each other? One child might choose a night of driving to look at lights with cookies in their lap, one might choose to go to a holiday show, Mom may enjoy a family gift wrapping party or cookie baking bonanza and Dad may enjoy a Christmas open house. Whatever the activities are if it is limited to one choice per person it can prevent a holiday that is so hectic and rushed that no one enjoys it. Why not have a traditional meal at lunch on a big day and then order take out for dinner that night so everyone can relax after a busy day. In our home after a night of Christmas Eve Church and a Special Meal we go to sleep, awake to a Christmas casserole prepared the night before so we can just pop it in the oven while the children open gifts, a traditional Christmas dinner but at lunch time and then we order Chinese Food for dinner and enjoy watching each other enjoying a content and calm close to the day. Take time for yourselves and those you care about and create your own traditions and happiness and not allow the external pressures from others to dictate the way you spend this wonderful time of year.
Hope you all have a wonderful Holiday Season and a Truly Blessed and fulfilling 2009! May you never lose the magic in your lives!
July 2009
Relationships are an ongoing process - they are never fixed or completed once everything seems to be working well.
Let's face it for as rewarding, fulfilling and satisfying relationships are, they can be hard work. Just because two people met and fell in love and committed themselves to each other does not mean that their work is over. People and life experiences are constantly changing and occurring. This in turn will have an impact on a relationship and no matter how strong a relationship may initially seem, unless it too evolves and grows it will begin to fade and wither.
The needs and experiences that we initially shared in the beginning stages of a relationship continue to expand and develop as we do. This may include the birth of a child, the death of a loved one, a career change, a financial change, an illness, relocation or any other experience that leaves us with new and different ideas, needs and desires. If our ability to communicate, share, multi-task and redefine the parameters of our relationship does not develop but remains stagnant how could either partner continue to feel loved and supported?
If one individual falls upon tough times and is in need of new and different supports but their partner is not willing to do the work and evolve to meet these needs or understand these needs resentment and negativity set in. When a baby is first learning to walk and they fall or stumble we don’t yell at the baby and say “I worked with you all day yesterday on this, how could you not know how to walk or balance yourself yet!” We are patient and work with them over and over again until they understand what we are asking them to do and become proficient at their new skill. When one partner has the need for something new (they are no longer the financially strong provider, they are now sick and require more physical or emotional care) the other partner needs to learn a new skill and be shown in a patient and loving way how to best support their partner. The hard work that goes into this relationship will pay off with both partners achieving a greater level of intimacy and commitment to one another.
Have you ever worked really hard to fix something and repair it to increase its value for resale (a house or a car..) only to look at it and think,” It looks so good now, I really don’t want to get rid of it anymore?” Imagine if you were to put in a little work each day into your relationships how shiny and valuable it would look to you everyday instead of thinking it is just time to upgrade into a newer model.
Just remember that the true joy of relationships is felt in the journey traveled together and not just in having completed the task and checking off on your list “relationship found”.
Enjoy the Journey and continue to work on your relationship as a process and you will continue to feel the love and intimacy you both share deepen on a daily basis. See you next blog!
Melissa
"Helping to turn the pain of two into the joy of one...."